The Dark Places

I’ve been a believer going on 15 years now. The last 5 years of my life have consisted of some pretty deep and fruitful discipleship. I’ve grown, been sanctified, studied scripture, prayed a ton, and practiced confession like never before. But every once in a while, more often than I like, I still find myself in the dark places. The dark places of my mind and my heart. The places that I wish didn’t exist. The places that I get tired of constantly fighting. The battle against the dark places is a dreadful and exhausting battle. One that I seem to lose almost always. 

I’ve been listening to a song recently that my mom used to play when I was younger. It’s called Surrounded by Michael W. Smith. The song repeats the same two lines the entire song. One of the lyrics is, “It may look like I’m surrounded but I’m surrounded by you.” And the other is, “This is how I fight my battles.” I can’t stop listening to it. The first few times I listened to it, I had a hard time grasping what the meaning of this song even was. But then it came to me. When I am in the dark places. When it looks and feels like I am completely surrounded. No hope, no rescue, no strength, complete darkness – that is where the Lord is. Where I expect the presence of a Holy God to be the least, that is exactly where He is. Because there is not a place that I can go where He will not also go. And it’s not like He is just following me into the dark places. No. He is going before me, with me, and behind me into the dark places. Fighting my battles for me when I don’t even know. Providing exits. Friends calling to ask about my wellbeing at the exact time I need it. Prayers from others when I feel like I can’t bring myself to say any words. Holding me as I cry in frustration. Worship music when all I feel is tired and exhausted. “...the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness…” Isaiah 61:3. This is the God whom I serve (not very well sometimes, I might add). The God who is not scared of the dark places of my life.

So yeah. For as much as I like to pretend that the dark places of my life don’t exist. They very much do. And the harder I try to act like they don’t, the darker it gets. But I am thankful that I am bound to a God who even the darkness is not dark to. “The night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.” Psalms 139:12